Information about loss

The loss of a baby

A parents grief following the loss of a baby must never be underestimated, nor given a timetable. The feelings experienced can be overwhelming and some of those feeling can often be unexpected.

When a baby dies, memories to share and bring comfort are not present as when someone older passes away. A precious, loved and longed for life has been lost. Parents are now faced with a lifetime of grief for all of the should be’s and the life with the child they had so passionately planned for and dreamed of.

The grief can often feel incredibly lonely as it is so difficult to explain to others who have not experienced the loss of a child, the continued life changing impact this tiny life lost has had on you as parents.

Coming home from the hospital with empty arms, and empty nursery and a silent house is one of the hardest things that any parent can endure. Instead of all the happiness a new life brings, bereaved parents have to begin planning a most heartbreaking funeral. This still takes place no matter what trimester a mother is in, whether it is an early loss or full term loss. The world around them continues to run normally, however parents can often feel in a state of loss and confusion for a long time as they try to come to terms with the fact that the life they had dreamed of has been so cruelly taken from them.

Some pieces of the life they had lived may no longer fit and have now added additional grieving not only for the child they loss but for the parts of them that have died along with all the hurt and pain from losing their child.

Grief can come in all different ways, there is no right or wrong. Some feelings are as follows:

  • fear/anxiety: the world can all of a sudden feel very uncertain and scary. If a baby can pass then what else can happen? Dreams and perceptions have been taken away from the parents, what else can be taken? It can damper on looking at any positives in life and towards the future.
  • jealousy-feeling jealousy towards other families or other pregnant women and seeing other babies are all just painful reminders of what that parent should be doing had they not loss their child.
  • numbness-at times numbness can take over and everything can feel like a dream or like it is happening to someone else.
  • anger-besides guilt, many parents feel angry for the loss of their baby. It seems impossible to understand why their baby has died.
  • longing-longing for the baby who had died and for the life that was suppose to happen. Parents can also be longing for the old them as the part of them is now dead and missing since the loss of their child. Thinking back can be very painful.
  • guilt- most parents feel guilty following the loss of their child or that they did something wrong or failed in some sort of way.
  • regret- parents can often feel regret when faced with making many heartbreaking decisions once their baby has died. Decisions made at the time of the loss can turn into regret in future when looking back at those decisions.
  • general-parents moods in general change after experiencing the loss of their beloved child. Things that would not matter or upset them in the pass now make room for problems and difficulty communicating and becoming vulnerable.

Fear that one may not be understood or that the loss of the baby may be forgotten over time is extremely overwhelming. People have good intentions to let mothers and families of loss know that they can “try again” or “time will heal all wounds” but this is not what is wanted to hear as a lost of a baby can never ever be replaced.

Time does go by and there are moments of calm but peace is something so hard to achieve after the loss of a child. No matter how many years pass, anniversaries, birthdays, mothers days, fathers days, Christmas etc all are reminders of very emotional times to pass as families are aware that their child is missing.

Mothers and families do not heal back to the norm of the days before the loss however they do learn to live with the pain and grief of their loss. This new sense of everyday life accepts and acknowledges that they will forever grieve for their baby. All the emotions become a little easier to live with.

For those mothers and families that have experienced a loss, we know you will find it hard to imagine how things can possibly get easier. We did as well and still to this day have hard days. We are all different and there is no right or wrong way to grieve or move forward. Future happiness is possible with the right support system, patience and understanding. This is what You Will Be In My Heart is setting out to accomplish in all communities in the greater Toronto area and in Ontario and in Canada and furthermore in the world. We are here to help one another in this life long journey, one step at a time, one day at time, today, tomorrow and always!